Going Home

I woke up this morning with the thought, "I want to go home" which was a little strange, since I was at home. I'm not sure what this meant.  That I want to go to heaven? That this place doesn't feel like home without my baby?  That I want to go back to a few weeks ago when the world was a safe place and God was obviously kind and good? I'm sure He is still kind and good, but it's not so obvious and I have had plenty of doubts. It was about 5:45 when I awoke and I thought about getting up to pray, but I wondered if prayer was just a big waste of time. How can I pray when He didn't answer my biggest prayer: for my baby to live?

I got up to pray anyway (probably because of all of your prayers for me).  And as I went over to my comfy chair, I was telling God, if you are real and good, please speak to me today in prayer.  I looked at the daily readings for Mass today and the Psalm said, "My home is within you".  Given the fact that I had just had the thought that I want to go home, this stood out to me and spoke to me deeply. My true home is with Him. Just as my baby made his home in me for eight and a half months, my home is within the heart of God.

It was good that God spoke to me and that I heard his voice, because in the gospel reading the Jews asked Jesus, "How long are you going to keep us in suspense? If you are the Christ, tell us plainly." Isn't that what I was saying to God this morning too? And Jesus answered them,

"I told you and you do not believe, because you are not among my sheep. My sheep hear my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish."  - John 10:25-27

Thank you God for helping me hear your voice.

Being reminded that my true home is with God, also gives me courage as I think about our move. Our house is on the market and in a few weeks or months we will be moving away. This is painful for many reasons.   The support I have felt from the community and from my family and friends the past few weeks has been amazing.  I was already sad to leave, but now leaving my baby behind in a cemetery makes it that much harder.  But God keeps trying to help me trust Him with this move.  Many times He has used this verse to encourage me and He is using it now,

"Peter began to say, 'We have given up everything to follow you' and Jesus said, "Amen I say to you, there is no one who has given up house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands for my sake and for the sake of the gospel who will not receive a hundred times more now in this present age: houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and eternal life in the age to come" - Mark 10:28-30

I am trying to trust.  This is not an emotional trust.  These comforts and graces in prayer are not really of the heart. My heart still feels cold and distant, but this faith is more in my intellect and will. I hope that God will soften my heart again in time,  but maybe, in this time of sadness and grief, I will understand other's inability to trust God and it will change me.  I've known people who have suffered greatly and they have a trust in God that isn't youthful and idealistic, but comes from somewhere deeper and more mature.  I hope that with your continued prayers and God's grace, I too may grow through this trial and come out stronger in my faith.