Tuesday, May 20, 2014

When I'm Mad...

One of the stages of grief is anger.  I think it's a normal human reaction and I certainly am not exempt.  I have been angry.  Since God is God and He's all-powerful, I've directed a lot of this anger toward Him.  I have spent sleepless nights telling God how I could run this planet much better than Him. If He insists on taking babies from their mothers at birth, why didn't He start with Adolf Hitler, or Fred Phelps, or that jerk in Ohio who kidnapped three girls and raped and beat them for ten years? Why my baby? I have even gotten mad in Church. Some songs I just can't sing right now.  It's hard to sing of God's kindness and mercy when you're mad at Him.

I don't feel this way all the time, but I've definitely had my moments. But eventually I come around to feeling like Peter.  When Jesus is giving the disciples some hard teachings and many leave him, he turns to his apostles and asks if they are going to leave him too.

Peter answers, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and are convinced you are the Holy One of God" - John 6:67  

That's the conclusion I keep coming to after my anger fades, "Where else can I go?"  Nothing this life has to offer can really comfort me.  A good bottle of wine won't cut it.  A steak dinner with my husband can't bring lasting peace to my grief.  A new outfit won't touch this hurt inside. The only place I know to go is to turn to Him- in my anger, in my grief, in my sadness, and even in gratitude as I experience little graces along the way.

Many times my prayer has been, "I believe Lord, help my unbelief" - Mark 9:24

And God has helped me over and over.  The day that I went to the hospital and found out John had died, I had some time in prayer that afternoon.  I try to finish my prayer time each day with a practical resolution that will help me. Sometimes it's a Bible verse to keep close to heart but often it's something far more practical- like don't cuss in front of the kids.  That day my resolution was, "Remember God is with you".  All through this ordeal that was the message God had given to me to carry in my heart.  He was reassuring me and strengthening me even beforehand.

In fact, I looked back through my prayer journal, and there were several things that had struck me in the weeks and months prior to losing John that God had given me to help me.

  • "One of the most liberating and salutary things we can know is that we are not meant to be perfectly happy in this life" - Fr. Robert Baron
  • "Through tears she looked up to heaven, for she trusted God wholeheartedly" Daniel 13
  • "The resurrection tells us that our faith is not in vain" - From Divine Intimacy
  • "Though war be waged against me, even then I will trust"- Psalm 27:3
  • "But the Lord is with me like a mighty champion" Jeremiah 20:11
  • "''If anyone wishes to be first she shall be the last of all and the servant of all'. Taking a child he placed it in their midst, and putting his arms around it, he said to them, 'Whoever receives one child such as this in my name, receives me; and whoever receives me, receives not me, but the One who sent me'" - Mark 9:30-37
  • "Resurrection means that the Worst Thing is never the Last Thing"- Beuchner
  • "Hang on, Beloveds. If it's awful, it's not over.  Good Friday means that Life Hurts. Saturday means that if we wait and hope and keep vigil- Easter Sunday will come to prove that Love Wins" - Glennon Melton
These were all things that had struck me before John's death.  God had been preparing me in His gentle way and giving me grace for months beforehand.  

I may not understand God's ways, and I may not like them sometimes, but I've learned there is no one else I'd rather walk through this painful valley with.

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