And So Shines A Ray Of Hope...

It was one of those days where I woke up with an unexplained heaviness.  Even the simplest task felt like climbing a mountain. Dishes. Laundry. Meals. I had to keep reminding myself that I am blessed, which is absurd, because I truly am remarkably blessed. Then I felt guilty that I had to tell myself to be happy when objectively I should be happy anyway.  

My “to-do” list, which has had some of the items on it for literally months, all of a sudden seemed urgent and was written proof of my inadequacy.  Why was the fact that I couldn’t get around to changing the batteries in my smoke detectors suddenly throwing me into despair?  I was struggling with the sickness of perfectionism.  When I realized that this dread I was carrying around may just be hormonal, it still didn’t seem to help…

As I was throwing in yet another load of laundry, I realized that the voice inside my head was being particularly harsh.  I would never talk to anyone else the way I was talking to myself. What would I tell one of my friends if she called up saying she wasn’t hacking it as a mom because her kid didn’t have clean uniform pants this morning? And she skipped flossing their teeth last night!  Hardly abuse… even if it was the same day she’d gotten a lecture from the dentist about how important it is to floss.  I would probably laugh and remind her how hard it is sometimes and to think of all the things she did do for her family. 

The day trudged on and I along with it, trying to talk to myself as gently and kindly as I would to a friend. Trying to take life less seriously. Trying.   

As I was burping the baby, he looked at me and for the first time, clear as day, said, “Mama” and leaned in and gave me a big slobbery baby kiss. My heart stopped and the moment was suspended in time. Joy. 

And suddenly the critical self-talk and heaviness was gone. HE SAID “MAMA” J