Monday, October 31, 2011

Great Expectations

In “Ten Habits of Happy Mothers” Dr. Meeker encouraged the reader to do a little exercise. On a sheet of paper, write down all the expectations that you place on yourself, reasonable or unreasonable: the things that you either do or consistently feel guilty about not doing. My list included everything from spending time in prayer daily to having plucked eyebrows, shaved legs, and painted toenails.

The list was so comprehensive and ridiculous, it made me realize why I sometimes feel overwhelmed and pulled in a thousand different directions.

Dr. Meeker then suggested writing an entirely new list with the deep desires of your heart. The things you really want to do…if time, money, or competing demands were not an issue. This list looked much different. She recommends throwing away the first list. Then pick the top three from second list and give yourself permission to focus only on those for the next several months and see what happens.

Now I can’t say that I’m doing exactly that… I can’t live in a pig sty with bushy eyebrows, but I am letting a few things go and trying to keep focused on my “Big Three”.

1) Pursue holiness… fan into flame a deep desire for God

2) Maintain a peaceful and joyful spirit

3) Change my eating habits to be healthier and more moderate

If I could master putting these things first, I think many of the other more mundane tasks that life gets cluttered up with, would fall into place.

I know that giving my kids clean clothes and meals to eat is important and a way of showing my love for them. I know that my husband appreciates not having something crunch under his feet when walking on the kitchen floor, but I also know that my family is happiest if I am maintaining a spirit of peace and joy instead of running around like a chicken with my head cut off enslaved to my never-shrinking-always-growing “to do” list.

The Scripture passage of Martha and Mary has always spoken to me. I have always been a “go-getter,” a “do-er”, a Martha. And God has shown me over and over again how important it is to take time to sit at His feet. I realized recently that sometimes I tend to be a Martha around my house too. I'm constantly (often also futilely) attempting to get stuff done. But just as it is important to sit at Jesus’ feet and soak in His love and goodness, I too should sit at the feet of my children and soak in their adorable innocence and cherish this time that will go by too fast.


Thursday, October 20, 2011

Secrets



I just finished reading Dr. Meg Meeker’s “Ten Habits of Happy Mothers”. It’s a good book and it reminded me of some truths that I know somewhere deep down, but sometimes forget. She reminded me to live simply, to prioritize friendship, and not to compete with those around me.

I’ve been thinking a lot about competition, especially among women. Why do we compare ourselves with others and size one another up? I think it’s more than just wanting to have the bigger fish.


I don’t think it’s about feeding our ego. Mostly I think we’re looking for some secret that we really believe other women have figured out to make life easier. When we compare ourselves with others, I think we are really crying out, “What do you know that I don’t?”

Someone recently asked me “What’s your secret?” I’m sure if she actually knew my secrets, (coffee, wine, and increasing the tv threshold for the older kids with each new baby) she wouldn’t have asked. I was kind of taken aback because, although I’m eight years into this motherhood thing, I still feel like I’m just figuring things out. Me? Have answers? Wisdom? Secrets? I can’t remember what I said (probably something to make it sound like I had my act together), but I left wondering what secrets other moms had that might be of help to me.

A few days or weeks later, I had a conversation with a friend who just had her first baby. She was asking me all sorts of questions and I briefly went back in my mind and heart to those first months (and even years) as a mother

and I realized I have learned a thing or two along the way.


I’ve learned to expect it to take a half hour from the time you say you’re going to leave to actually get out the door. I’ve learned that it’s not just the baby who needs a change of clothes in the minivan.



I’ve learned that no book or blog or friend (or gorgeous put-together supermom friend that I’m comparing myself to) can tell me how to best mother. I’ve learned to trust my gut.

I didn’t even have to refer to a book or the internet this time when my fourth baby started solids. Doesn’t that deserve a gold star or something?



I’ve learned not to be judgemental because I’ve done a lot of things I swore I never would.

(case in point... notice both the gun and the Bronco's shirt)

I’ve learned to bribe your two year old to use the potty. I’ve learned that, like all things worth doing, motherhood can be hard, messy and exhausting. But I’ve also learned that there is nothing I’d rather be doing.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Home Economics


In my last post I wrote about how I sometimes feel unsuccessful in my life as a wife and mother. I should clarify. In economics (that was my minor in college), they separate Macroeconomics from Microeconomics. Well, I think in motherhood it helps to think in terms of Macromothering and Micromothering.

I feel fairly successful in the Macromothering of life. My children are good kids. They know they are loved. They are nourished well physically, spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually. They have a safe place where both parents adore them, and they have each other.

It’s the area of Micromothering where I feel challenged. Like when I spent the last hour mopping the floor just to have my son pee all over it (while I’m on hold with the utility company). Like when my second grader has to explain to his teacher that his mom had the sprinkler set up wrong and that’s why his homework has watermarks all over it. (The day after he had to explain that his two year old brother painted with water colors all over his map.) It’s the little moments when I feel stretched and not enough and inadequate at the tasks before me. It’s when I lose my patience and “toss” the monster truck that I’ve stepped over a hundred times out of my way with a little extra force.

These are the moments when I am humbled. When I wish I was the person I’d envisioned I’d be when Keith and I first got married. You know, kind of a mix between Carolyn Ingalls from Little House on the Prairie, and Clair Huxtable. I thought I would be the epitome of patience, love, and put-togetherness.

The good news is that

“love covers a multitude of sins.”

Even though I occasionally lose it or feel like I can’t keep up, I love. And that might be the most important gift of all.


Monday, October 17, 2011

Free to Be…. Me?

I was at Church a few weeks ago and the priest was encouraging us to think of our gifts and talents. When he asked, “What are you good at?" sadly my first thought was “Ummm…. Facebook posts”. It’s not that God forgot me in the gifts and talents department, it’s just that being a stay home mom, it’s so hard to feel successful. If I have a great day being present to my kids and playing with them and teaching them important life lessons (like how to use a whoopee cushion)…then the house is a pig sty, the laundry is piled higher than Mt. Everest, and there is nothing to eat. On the other hand, if I clean the house all day, fold ten loads of laundry, and cook a nutritious gourmet dinner (okay hamburger helper), then my children are feeling neglected in between the orders I’m barking at them (Put your shoes away! Clean up the train tracks! Can someone please help the baby?!?!)


This was a very hard reality for me at first. I had felt fairly successful in my life prior to motherhood. And anything I wasn’t good at (like when I tried to play t-ball for the first time in first grade) I just quit. So here I was a new mom and I couldn’t just pick a different game.


The guilt that accompanies motherhood can be crippling. I know that guilt can be a good thing and serve a good purpose to show me when I’m off track in some way, but it also can eat away at my joy and rob me of my peace if I let it. This is where prayer can really help. God shows me which guilt is really my soul crying out for a change and which guilt is just ridiculous expectations that I’ve heaped upon myself. Often it is because I am comparing myself with some idealistic perception I have of someone else. Suzie’s house is always so immaculate. Sally is so organized. Jane works out everyday and wears a size 6.

Through prayer God helps me see what He is calling me to be. Of course I won’t feel successful if I am trying to be someone else. Especially if I’m trying to be everyone else. In the words of John Henry Newman,

God has created me to do him some definite service; he has committed some work to me which he has not committed to another. I have my mission - I may never know it in this life, but I shall be told it in the next... I have a part in a great work; I am a link in a chain, a bond of connection between persons..."

God wants me to be myself! How freeing! If I just need to be me, I can do that! As my dad says, “know what makes you great and do it on purpose.”

The quest and challenge is to be the best version of myself that I can be. … but we’ll save that for another blog…