“The heart has become a battlefield between love and lust” – John Paul II
I think JP II wasn’t just speaking of sexual lust, although in this culture especially it certainly is a real struggle. I think our hearts struggle with all kinds of lust… lust for comfort, for pleasure, for material goods, for affirmation, for power, for food and drink, for just about any good. I know lately with four small children I have struggled with a lust for time. With so few moments to myself, when I finally get a chance to have some time, I want to hoard it. I don’t even want to share it with God in prayer, even though He’s the one person who is guaranteed to give more than he takes from me, who is the author of time, and who can actually give me the peace I seek.
My husband read this first paragraph and said, “lust for time?...that doesn’t really work. Maybe a need for time or desire for time, but lust?” I replied that he only felt that way because he isn’t a mom. A mother with young children actually lusts for time to herself.
An example: It’s naptime. On the agenda for me is some much needed prayer time, a workout (just 20 minutes of Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred… I mean who can’t talk themselves into 20 minutes) and a shower (also much needed). If I’m really lucky, maybe I’ll even shave. I'm tempted to scrap it all and take a nap myself. But first I sit down at the computer (of course, since that was nowhere on the list of things to do). I spend at least ten minutes looking at all kinds of things… some more worthwhile than others… from this
(Star Wars Superbowl Commercial falls under the less worthwhile)
to this
to this
Then I drag myself away from the computer and open up the Bible for that needed prayer time (although the voice in my head is getting louder saying just to get a few minutes of shut eye too). Oh, but I notice that my two year old left his play-doh out and it’s getting hard and ruined by the minute… better put it away.
By this point I hear my two year old who hasn’t napped in five days singing loudly. Loud enough, I’m afraid, to wake the baby. So I go in there and instead of threatening him within an inch of his life (which is what I’m tempted to do) I try and calm him down, rub his back, and leave. But while I’m trying to quiet my two year old the baby wakes up… what? 30 minutes? That’s it? Didn’t anyone around here get the memo that this is nap time? It’s only 1:00. A good two hours before school pick up and you boys are supposed to be sleeping! This is my only chance. For self-improvement, for change, for basic hygiene for goodness sakes!
And so my lust for time is left unsatiated and I’m reminded that nothing will make me more improved, holier, or happier, than doing God’s will in the present moment, which apparently doesn’t look the way I thought it would.
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